Ready to Stop Hiding the Mess? How to Build Organizing Systems That Free You From Clutter Anxiety and a Home You're Embarrassed to Show Anyone #218

Are you trying to hide clutter in one room while keeping the visible spaces guest ready? Do you panic when someone heads toward the messy bedroom, spare room, garage, or office? Have you wondered why home clutter can carry so much shame?

You are not failing because your home has areas that are hard to manage.

In this solo episode, I walk you through masking, hidden clutter, and how to create home support that works with your real life.

We cover why we hide clutter, including women with adhd, and how visible spaces can become part of the mask. I share why hidden spaces can carry judgment, pressure, and emotional clutter. I also explain how to decide whether a room is actually a problem and how to create a functional home with systems you can maintain.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• How to understand what masking means in the context of home and clutter
• How to tell whether a space is stressful or simply untidy
• Why “organized enough” can be more useful than perfection
• How to rethink laundry systems when folding never happens
• What to do with paper piles using simple categories
• How to choose storage based on where you naturally look for things
• Why one small win can help reduce clutter overwhelm
• How to start with the space causing the most stress

If you’re looking for a calmer home using simple systems, this episode is not to be missed.

Here’s to a home that makes life easier,

Caroline

Thanks for listening! For more organizational motivation, support and free resources:
Join my online membership Clutter Free Collective
Join my podcast Facebook group Living Clutter Free Forever Podcast: KonMari® Inspired Organizing | Facebook
Visit my website www.caroline-thor.com
Come and say 'hi' on Instagram @caro.thor
Follow me on Facebook @carolineorganizer

Transcript

Hi there. I'm Caroline Thor, professional organizer, Kari consultant, teacher, and mom of three. I started off my life as a mom feeling overwhelmed, disorganized, and desperately trying to carve out some time for me amongst the nappies chaos and clutter. One day, one small book called The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying changed everything. And I began to learn strategies for making everyday life easier. Today, I have the systems in place. That means life can throw almost anything at me. and I want to share them with you. If you're an overwhelmed mom struggling to keep it together, then this is the podcast for you. Grab a coffee and settle in for a quick chat with someone who gets your reality. 

Hello, and welcome to the Living Clutter Free Forever podcast. I am super happy you're here. I have got a lot of new listeners at the moment, so I'm just gonna do a quick, "Hi, I'm Caroline," so that people listening know who on earth it is they're listening to. I'm a mom of three neurodivergent kids, originally from the UK, but I've been living in Germany for more years than I care to admit, and I hope this podcast brings you some value.

The comments I get from people are certainly that it's super helpful, so that is brilliant. Now, another thing that has proved super helpful is a reel I posted a couple of weeks ago on Instagram and Facebook, and I honestly thought it would maybe get a few laughs and a handful of comments. So the hook, that's the thing you see on the screen for this reel, said, "Girls who grew up with undiagnosed ADHD often become women who mask their chaos with a perfect living room while the bedroom is holding four weeks of laundry and five half-drunk mugs hostage."

That was it. Well, the response was absolutely unbelievable. Like, it blew my mind. The comments just came flooding in. People were saying things like, "Oh my God, have you been in my house?" or, "Please get your cameras out of my house. It's supposed to be a secret," "The sheer panic when your guest heads for your bedroom," "Never felt more seen and nervous being seen."

And that last comment, "Never felt more seen and nervous being seen," really stuck with me, because I think that actually sums up what so many women experience. Not just ADHD women, not just moms, not just neurodivergent women, but women in general. And today I want to talk about masking, what it is, and why so many of us do it, why our homes often become part of the mask, and most importantly, how to create a home that supports you instead of becoming another thing that you have to hide.

Now, before I dive into this, if you haven't yet listened to the episode from a couple of weeks ago that I did with Libby Ward, I would highly recommend it. We touched on masking during our conversation, and we talked about how exhausting it can be. I'll pop a link in the show notes so that you can listen after this episode, because it was just such a great conversation.

So let's start with what masking actually is, in case you haven't heard of that. Masking is simply hiding the things we think other people might judge. Sometimes that's hiding overwhelm, sometimes it's hiding struggles, sometimes it's pretending we've got everything under control when we absolutely do not. And yes, masking is often talked about in relation to ADHD and autism. That was the first time I'd ever heard the term, when people were referring to it with my child with autism. And many women with ADHD become incredibly skilled at masking, because they've spent years trying to avoid being labeled as lazy and disorganized, forgetful, careless, too much.

But here's the important thing, you do not have to have ADHD to relate to this. Many women have learned to present a version of themselves that feels somehow more acceptable to the world around them, like the woman who always copes, the woman who always remembers, doesn't forget the birthdays, the woman whose house is always tidy, the woman who's got it all together. And that often comes at a real cost.

And what fascinated me about the comments attached to this reel wasn't actually the clutter. It was where the clutter was. Everyone seemed to have a version of the same thing. So one woman was saying she had a wardrobe she was scared to open. Another had a spare bedroom no one was allowed to see. Someone talked about their garage. Others mentioned their office, their car, their closets, their cupboards, their laundry baskets, their floordrobes. Different spaces, same pattern, and this is internationally. This was a really, really internationally viral reel.

So the visible areas were being carefully managed. The hidden areas were carrying the weight, and I really do think that is something that so many of us can relate to. Even if it's not all the time in your home, you may have seasons where this happens, when life just gets overwhelming, and you don't manage to stay on top of stuff, and then someone's coming 'round, so what do you do? You hide the piles. Because when you're overwhelmed, you don't always have the time and energy and capacity to do everything, so you focus on what people see. You focus on what helps you get through the day, on what feels most urgent.

But the problem is that over time, those hidden spaces start carrying not just clutter, but also shame, and I've seen this when I go into people's homes. There is a great amount of shame attached to having that room that you can't let anyone in. Most people aren't worried that their spare room is messy. They're worried what people might think if they saw it. The room itself isn't a problem. It's the judgment from other people. And the clutter becomes evidence in our minds that we're somehow failing, and that is where things start to get really heavy emotionally.

As a professional organizer, I think there's a question we don't ask often enough. Is the room actually a problem? Because sometimes, quite honestly, it isn't. Sometimes we assume that every messy space needs fixing immediately, but does it, like, really? Let's say your bedroom is super untidy, but you know where everything is, you sleep well, you feel relaxed when you're in there, it isn't causing you stress. Maybe that is information that this is not your biggest priority right now. Maybe your energy is better spent somewhere else. On the other hand, if you're stepping over laundry every day and can't find clothes, and you feel guilty every time you walk into the room and avoid going in there because it makes you feel bad, that is then a different story.

And I'm always saying this, the goal isn't perfection. The goal is creating a home that supports your life. Those are two very different things, and I think so many women have very wrongly been taught that being organized means having a picture-perfect home. Now, if you're listening to this, that is not what I teach, and you are in the wrong place if that's what you want. I teach organized enough, decluttered enough, functional enough, calm enough, a home that works for the people who actually live there.

So this is the advice we hear all the time, and I say this as well, "Build systems that work for your brain." But what does that actually mean? Because it sounds great, but it's not very helpful if nobody explains it. And I was listening back, and I'm not sure I've ever really explained it properly on this podcast. So for me, a system that works for your brain is a system that you can actually maintain.

So let's take the laundry, 'cause I've got quite a lot of women in my membership at the moment who are struggling with laundry. Some people thrive with perfectly folded clothes, others don't. If folding never happens, maybe hanging everything works better. Maybe clean clothes live in a basket. Maybe you need separate baskets for clean laundry and dirty laundry. The best system isn't necessarily the prettiest one, it's the one you'll use. It's the one that you can stick to.

Paper, that's another one that is a huge, huge issue for a lot of people. So let's just talk about paper for a minute. A lot of people create really complicated filing systems that they never manage to maintain. So instead, maybe you need some simple categories. Like you've got your action papers, your reference papers, and your papers you can let go. End of that. Simple very often beats perfect.

If in the kitchen, maybe your mugs live beside the coffee machine instead of in the cabinet, that makes sense according to organizing rules, because that's where you actually use them. The same goes for shoes, bags, keys, everything. The question isn't, where should this go? The question is, where would I naturally look for it? Or if you're in a family situation, where would we as a family naturally look for it? That's how you build the systems that support your brain instead of fighting against it.

Now, if you are someone who's masking, if any of this feels familiar, here's where I'd encourage you to start. Ask yourself one simple question. If nobody else ever saw this space, what would I want? Not what would your mother-in-law want? Not what would Instagram want or some home magazine or your best friend coming 'round. What would help you? And then identify the space within that room that's causing the most stress, not the messiest, not even the most embarrassing, the most stressful, because that's where the biggest transformation happens.

Maybe it's the paper pile on the counter, maybe it's the bedroom, maybe it's your car, maybe it's the kitchen table. Wherever it is, start there. One small area, one small improvement, and as I'm always banging on about in my membership, Plus Free Collective, one small win. Because I promise you, confidence does not come from organizing your entire house in a weekend. It comes from proving to yourself that change is possible.

Now, I want to just finish with that comment again. "Never felt more seen and nervous being seen." I think that is exactly why this reel resonated so much, because so many people are exhausted from hiding, not just the clutter, the overwhelm, the forgotten laundry, the unfinished unopened paperwork, but they're exhausted from hiding the feeling that everyone else has somehow got adulthood figured out while they're still trying to catch up.

And if that is you, if you're listening to this thinking, "Yep, that's me," I want you to know something. You do not need a perfect home. You do not need every room guest-ready. You do not need to earn your worth through organization. What you deserve is a home that supports you, a home that makes your life easier, somewhere that feels safe to live in, not just safe to show other people. And if you're currently sitting listening to this next to a pile of laundry or a floordrobe or two half-drunk mugs or a cupboard you hope nobody opens, please, please know this. You are not the only one, and based on the literally thousands of comments on that reel, there are a lot more of us than you think, and that means that you're not doing anything wrong, and you're not broken. You're human.

Until next time.

If you have enjoyed this episode, please send the link to a friend you know would appreciate it. Subscribe and leave a review. I look forward to bringing you more organizing tips next time. But if you can't wait until then, you can go to my website or find me on Instagram at carol.th or on Facebook at Caroline Organizer. Thanks for listening and I look forward to guiding you on your journey to find your clutter-free ever after.