Living Clutter Free Forever - decluttering tips,home organizing, minimalist living

How to Stop Doing It All Alone (and Why You Were Never Meant To) The reason so many women are struggling to keep their home tidy! #161

• Caroline Thor - Professional Organizer - KonMari® Consultant

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Why is it that no one thanks you for emptying the dishwasher… but when someone else does it, it’s seen as a big deal?

In this episode, I’m diving into something we don’t talk about enough — the mental load that women carry, especially when it comes to home organization. If you’ve ever wondered why decluttering feels so hard, or why tidying never seems to stick no matter how many times you try, this might be the conversation you didn’t know you needed.

We’ll explore why asking for help at home still feels taboo, how shame creeps into our clutter, and what it really takes to create lasting change when you’re short on time, energy, and support.

You’ll hear how I went from managing everything on my own — to building systems that actually work, and finding freedom through support, intentional routines, and a whole new perspective on home life.

If you’re trying to declutter with no time, tired of doing it all solo, or craving real, practical organizing support rooted in the KonMari method and real life… this episode is for you.

This is about more than just tidying. It’s about overcoming overwhelm, reclaiming your space, and remembering: you were never meant to do this alone.

I would LOVE to hear from you. Text Message me here.

Thanks for listening! For more organizational motivation, support and free resources:
Join my online membership Clutter Free Collective
Join my podcast Facebook group Living Clutter Free Forever Podcast: KonMari® Inspired Organizing | Facebook
Visit my website www.caroline-thor.com
Come and say 'hi' on Instagram @caro.thor
Follow me on Facebook @carolineorganizer

Speaker 1:

Hi there, I'm Caroline Thor, professional organiser, konmari consultant, teacher and mum of three. I started off my life as a mum feeling overwhelmed, disorganised and desperately trying to carve out some time for me amongst the nappies, chaos and clutter. One day, one small book called the Life-Changing Magic of Tidying changed everything and I began to learn strategies for making everyday life easier. Today, I have the systems in place that means life can throw almost anything at me, and I want to share them with you. If you're an overwhelmed mum struggling to keep it together, then this is the podcast for you. Grab a coffee and settle in for a quick chat with someone who gets your reality. Hello and welcome back to the Living Clutter-Free Forever podcast, if you haven't joined me before.

Speaker 1:

I'm Caroline. I'm a KonMari consultant and professional organizer, originally from the UK, but I've been living in Germany for the last 20 years 20 years, it makes me feel very old. Anyway, I've got a sneaking suspicion that this episode is going to become a bit like me on a soapbox, because some things have been really bothering me and I feel like I just need to air them because I feel like a lot of people listening need to hear this today. So it all started last weekend when I sat down for dinner with my husband and I said to him thanks very much for emptying the dishwasher and he said oh yeah, no problem. Now I would like to qualify here. My husband is amazing. He helps out so much at home. But it really then suddenly hit me later on why did I thank him for emptying the dishwasher? Why did I thank him for emptying the dishwasher? Nobody has ever I don't think ever thanked me for emptying the dishwasher. Why is it that when someone in the family empties the dishwasher, we feel we have to say thank you, but when we do it, nobody even notices. No one says, hey, thanks for keeping the house running today Nobody.

Speaker 1:

So I really want to open the conversation up today about the fact that women generally are praised only when their labor is visible, and when it's invisible it's just simply expected. And I really believe that you're not overwhelmed because you're doing too much. You're overwhelmed because you're doing it alone and no one sees it. And that is what I want to talk about in today's episode. Now, the reason I say I think it might sound a little bit like I'm getting on my soapbox in this episode is because I always make notes, just on a piece of paper before I start an episode. What do I want to talk about? And as I looked through the notes before I pressed record, I thought, oh, I hope this isn't going to end up making it sound like a man-husband-partner bashing session. But anyway, just to go back to the point I made before, if one of my kids empties the dishwasher and I have asked them to do it, I do say thank you because they've done something to help me. Or if I come home and one of my kids has emptied the dishwasher and I haven't asked them, I will say thank you because I see it with them as a teachable moment. I see it as reinforcing that what they did was super helpful. It is expected, but I appreciate it, and I think that is the difference between me thanking them and my husband for emptying the dishwasher.

Speaker 1:

So there's been a lot in the media in the last few years about the invisible load. So if you've not heard that term, the invisible load means the mental load. So we don't just have physical tasks that we have to do. It's the thinking, it's the remembering, it's the anticipating, it's the emotional managing. So you might be remembering what day the PE kit is needed in school. You might be noticing when the toothpaste is running low and making a mental note of I need to buy more toothpaste. You need to make sure no one's birthday is forgotten oh, my goodness, how many.

Speaker 1:

Well, I can tell you it's coming up for 18 years that I have thought in advance about all three kids' birthdays, organized the gifts, organized everything and then, sort of like, presented it a day or so before and said this is what we're giving them. And that's my fault, because I've just gone ahead and done it and not involved my husband in any of it. But he actually would never himself think to organize stuff for birthdays, because I've always done it and he's never had to, but I actually don't think he would anyway. It's just not things like that on his radar, yeah. And then things like it's not just cooking dinner, but it's just not things like that on his radar, um, yeah. And then things like it's not just cooking dinner, but it's the planning, the shopping, the prepping, the cleaning up afterwards.

Speaker 1:

72 percent of working mothers say they're mostly responsible for managing the household, even when both partners work full time. That is in a survey that came out from Bright Horizons in 2019. So if you're the one spinning all the plates, because you're doing it silently, no one is actually seeing how heavy it all is, and I think there is this real culture of asking for help being something of a taboo. We're told to be strong and efficient and grateful. We're shown these curated homes online and then we start to feel like we're failing if ours doesn't look the same. I think it's got really bad in terms of expectations of childcare and stuff like that.

Speaker 1:

I'm really glad that when I had my first child 18 years ago coming up for 18 years ago, there wasn't as much stuff on social media. I just sort of got on with it. I look back at how my mum did it. She had nothing that was telling her, apart from expectations perhaps from, like, local society or her family or friends. So we're made to feel like we're failing all the time now because we see all this stuff online and we're like, well, my home doesn't function like that or my kids don't behave like that. I must be doing something wrong.

Speaker 1:

Now we do ask for help in certain areas. If it comes to fitness or diet or maybe even therapy. Those are areas where we do ask for help, or even getting our house cleaned. I now, since Christmas, have a lady that comes every two weeks and cleans certain areas of our home, but up until this point I have done it all on my own, but I was ready to ask for help in that area. I have had a personal trainer in the last year or so. I've been to things like Weight Watchers over the years, all the things, but when it comes to our home, when it comes to clutter or systems or routines, there is somehow this shame attached to it.

Speaker 1:

Somewhere along the way we have learned that needing help at home is a weakness, that we should just get on with it, and if we can't, then we must be doing something wrong. But here's the truth Wanting support isn't a weakness, it's actually really wise, and you were never meant to do this all alone. If we zoom out historically back to caveman times, they worked together as a community. People would stay and look after the kids, while members of the tribe would go out and hunt, and then older women would stay at home and look after the children so that the mums could go out and hunt or forage or whatever it was In the past. Women raised children in community. They weren't meant to do it all without a village, and now we live in isolated homes, often without, without family nearby, and we're juggling careers and some of you, like me, are also juggling neurodivergent kids, and there's just this pressure to hold it all together. And you're not broken. If you're feeling like you are, you're not, you're just trying to do the work of an entire support system alone.

Speaker 1:

So women are still doing nearly twice as much housework as men, and I got to the point a few years ago now where I actually said to my husband very clearly I need you to start stepping up more. I am finding it too much to do everything all day and then spend my evening cleaning up the kitchen as well, and since that day, bless him, he has cleaned the kitchen every night after dinner and I very often will work in the evening, so I will cook dinner, I will have a break, cook dinner, eat dinner with my family and then I go back down. Around eight o'clock, I go back down to the office that we have in the cellar and I start work again, because during the day I am very much distracted and having to spend time with one of my kids who has autism and they need my attention and therefore, once my husband gets home from work in the evening, that's when I get my chance to go and do some work and he can take over the caregiving role. So I'm really fortunate that my husband really stepped up. But we did have a very interesting situation a few years ago where he lost his job and it was around the time where I was trying to build up this business that I now have this decluttering and organizing business, this business that I now have this decluttering and organizing business. And so I was really excited because I thought, okay, while he's at home looking for a new job, I can focus full time during the day on my business, and I was really excited to have the possibility of doing that. Wasn't so excited he didn't have a job, but I was excited for me that I just got to concentrate on what I wanted to for a change.

Speaker 1:

And I remember the first week that he was at home full time and I was sitting down in my office in the cellar and I was thinking to myself oh, it's coming up to lunchtime, right, I need to go and tell him to start getting lunch ready. And I would go up and, sure enough, he'd be perhaps sitting there reading the paper or something. I'd go. You need to start getting lunch ready now, or you need to go pick up the kids, or could you put that washing on because so-and-so needs that by tomorrow, or could you hoover around.

Speaker 1:

I spent the first few days of that week stopping work all the time to go upstairs and remind him what he needed to do. So I was still carrying the mental load, even though he didn't have any load at all at this point, and I think it was probably I think it was Thursday. I was sitting there and I thought to myself again oh, I need to go and tell him to start with lunch. So this is my work being interrupted all the time by my mental load ticking over. And I went upstairs and I lost the plot with him. I was like could you just start thinking for yourself about? I'm not able to concentrate on my work because I'm still managing everything, and that's just as taxing and it interrupts my work because I have to stop to come and tell you to do the next thing. I absolutely lost it with him and I remember him saying well, okay, but you've had time to practice this. I'm new to this. And I was like well, I was new to this as well.

Speaker 1:

On day one of having a child, I just had to step up and work it out, go for it, and from that moment on I never had to remind him again to do anything during the day. He'd already really worked out that I had this sort of washing schedule that worked really well and he checked in with me and asked what that was and he just carried everything on. So that was like a real aha moment for me, where I stopped doing it all alone and the relief was incredible the fact I could actually switch off this mental load and not have to think about all of the stuff that needed doing in the house that day and where the kids needed to be and what needed cooking and what needed shopping. I just forgot it all and could focus on what I needed to, and it was the first time that I really realized how it must be for my husband going off to work in the morning and just literally switching off and just focusing on his work, and it was a real aha moment for me. How different it is when you haven't got that.

Speaker 1:

So this taboo about saying my home is in chaos or I feel in chaos at home. I don't have the systems, I don't feel organized, we've got lots of clutter. It's all just too much. I have set up Class of Free Collective in order to provide that support for women just like you. So if that little voice is still whispering, you should be able to manage this by yourself. I just want you to know you do not have to keep doing it all alone. When you join something like an organizing membership, it's not about giving up and saying, oh, I'm useless, I can't do this. It's about finally letting yourself be supported. You don't have to earn that support. You already deserve it, and I've heard so often from members of my community saying I finally feel like I'm not the only one.

Speaker 1:

Today, tuesday, the 27th of May, the day this episode comes out, is the last day that you can join Planta Free Collective with my amazing bonus, which is to also get a 30-minute online consultation with me on your own, where we can discuss your issues and what you need support with.

Speaker 1:

The link to join is in the show notes. Just look for the words Clutter-Free Collective. This is the last chance to join before this bonus goes away. So if you've been waiting for a sign, if you've been listening to me on this podcast for weeks, months, years. Maybe this is your sign. We would love to have you inside and even if it's not the right time, I hope you leave this episode knowing you were never meant to carry it all alone and you don't have to Until next time. If you've enjoyed this episode, please send the link to a friend you know would appreciate it, subscribe and leave a review. I look forward to bringing you more organising tips next time, but if you can't wait until then, you can go to my website or find me on instagram, at carothor, or on facebook, at carolineorganizer. Thanks for listening and I look forward to guiding you on your journey to find your clutter free ever after.