Living Clutter Free Forever - decluttering tips,home organizing, minimalist living

Can couples thrive despite different decluttering styles? 7 Proven tips to navigate clutter conflicts with ease #142

• Caroline Thor - Professional Organizer - KonMari® Consultant

Share episode

Struggling with clutter conflicts in your relationship? You're not alone.

One of you loves a clutter-free home, while the other can’t let go of anything ‘just in case.’ One partner thrives on tidiness, the other leaves things out as reminders. Sound familiar?

Clutter is more than just stuff—it’s about habits, emotions, and sometimes even power struggles. And if you’ve ever felt frustrated that your partner just doesn’t see the mess the way you do, you know how real this challenge is.

But here’s the good news. Decluttering doesn’t have to cause tension—it can actually strengthen your relationship.

In this episode of Living Clutter Free Forever, I’m sharing 7 proven strategies to help you and your partner navigate different decluttering styles without resentment or stress.

✅ Discover why decision fatigue plays a huge role in clutter conflicts
✅ Learn simple declutter strategies to avoid frustration and overwhelm
✅ Find out how to create shared systems that actually work
✅ Get practical tips to balance tidying responsibilities fairly

What if decluttering could bring you closer instead of causing fights? What if organizing your home didn’t feel like an ongoing battle?

Tune in now to learn how to overcome clutter conflicts and create a home that works for both of you.

P.S. Need a quick win? Grab my 15-Minute Declutter Kickstart Guide—the perfect way to get started together! 

I would LOVE to hear from you. Text Message me here.

Grab your FREE copy of  The frustrated parents' guide: how to get your kids to tidy up without them even realizing it! 

Thanks for listening! For more organizational motivation, support and free resources:
Join my online membership Clutter Free Collective
Join my podcast Facebook group Living Clutter Free Forever Podcast: KonMari® Inspired Organizing | Facebook
Visit my website www.caroline-thor.com
Come and say 'hi' on Instagram @caro.thor
Follow me on Facebook @carolineorganizer

Speaker 1:

Hi there, I'm Caroline Thor, professional organiser, konmari consultant, teacher and mum of three. I started off my life as a mum feeling overwhelmed, disorganised and desperately trying to carve out some time for me amongst the nappies, chaos and clutter. One day, one small book called the Life-Changing Magic of Tidying changed everything, and I began to learn strategies for making everyday life easier. Today, I have the systems in place that means life can throw almost anything at me, and I want to share them with you. If you're an overwhelmed mum struggling to keep it together, then this is the podcast for you. Grab a coffee and settle in for a quick chat with someone who gets your reality. Hello and welcome to the Living Clutter-Free Forever podcast.

Speaker 1:

I'm Caroline, and today's episode is one that I have been wanting to record for a very, very long time, and as this is airing just after Valentine's Day, it really was the perfect time for this episode. Can couples thrive despite having different decluttering styles? It's the million dollar question, and it's one I see all the time when I'm looking at my own relationship, when I'm working with clients, when I'm talking with the people in my membership. So love has been in the air. But let's be real. So is clutter, and for many couples it really can be a huge source of frustration. Now, whether it's decluttering or organizing or tidying, you may have very, very different approaches, you and your partner. And I'm going to use the example I think I've talked about this in a previous podcast episode but my husband and I are very, very different. He's German and I don't mean to stereotype, but they tend to be relatively organized as a people and he likes his order. He has his paperwork, like incredibly well filed and he knows where everything is. If he uses something, he will generally put it away. He doesn't have too much of anything, and this isn't my influence. He was like this to start with.

Speaker 1:

And then you move to me and I am naturally very disorganized. I tend to leave things out if I've used them, or I'll leave them out if I know I've got to do something with them, because if I put it away I'm going to forget about it. I'm quite happy to leave things in a mess for a bit because I don't feel like doing it at that point in time. Let's take the kitchen, for example. So in the evening it tends to be me doing the cooking of the evening meal, because I happen to be home before we need to eat and he comes then a bit later and so I've cooked, I've made a massive mess everywhere and then usually in the evening I need to go back down to my office and do some work for the business and for online stuff and meeting up with people online, and I'm quite happy to leave it, and I probably I'm ashamed to admit would, even if I'm then tired afterwards, would think oh, I'll do it in the morning, I'll put what fits in the dishwasher in, I'll put it on and the rest of it I'll clear up in the morning.

Speaker 1:

I don't feel like doing it now, I haven't got the energy to do it now, whereas my husband he will not be able to go to bed if the kitchen's in a mess, and it happens every evening. It's like this magic thing happens that I come back up from having worked, say, 9, 10 o'clock in the evening and the kitchen is immaculate. It has been cleaned within an inch of its life. And the things that didn't fit in the dishwasher, he has washed them. I would never do that. I would leave them out and wait until the next morning. And didn't fit in the dishwasher, he has washed them. I would never do that, I would leave them out and wait until the next morning and put them in when the dishwasher gets empty. So we've learned to accept that we're different and he knows that it annoys him if the kitchen's left untidy, so he will get on and do it rather than being frustrated, and I'm quite happy to let him get on with it frankly. So you are not alone if clutter or your way of tidying is causing tension in your home. But decluttering can actually strengthen your relationship if done with understanding, teamwork and a few simple strategies. And by the end of this episode you'll have seven practical ways to navigate different decluttering styles without causing that resentment or frustration.

Speaker 1:

But I think it's important first to think about why clutter conflicts are common in relationships. Because they are. It's rare that I go into a home and if there are a couple living there, they're both on the same page about everything. So the reasons can be different upbringings and clutter habits. The way we approach clutter is often deeply rooted in childhood. Now I can't use that excuse for me.

Speaker 1:

My parents are probably the most tidied up and organized people. I know they just don't get how I struggle with it, but very often if you were raised in a clean, as you go along household, then that's what you'll do. Or if clutter was just part of your daily life, then you're used to it and you don't necessarily see it as an issue, or you haven't learned how to tidy it up. Maybe your parents held on to things just in case, or maybe you have parents that were always purging and decluttering. So our early experience is going to shape our habits and that can end up leading to tension in the relationships if we come from two polar opposites, as it were. Now my husband's family, my mother-in-law, for example, she likes collecting stuff. She has a lot of stuff in her house and she's one of these people that if she's out and about and see someone's left something out, um, to be collected, like a piece of furniture or a vase or something she likes it, she'll take it home with her. Now my parents wouldn't do that, so it's like completely different. Or it could be that you just have very different clutter personalities.

Speaker 1:

So people fall into different categories when it comes to clutter and organization, and I could do a whole I should actually do a whole podcast episode on this, because understanding your partner style can make all the difference. So maybe one of you is a minimalist and one of you is a sentimental keeper. One person wants less and feels peace in open, clutter-free spaces, while the other one of you feels an emotional connection to items and that makes it hard to let them go. Or maybe one of you is a scatterer and one of you is a compartmentalizer. So the scatterer is naturally going to leave things out using visible reminders. So open tabs on the laptop, piles around everywhere, everything in sight. This is very much me. Or a compartmentalizer who prefers everything tucked away in drawers and neatly sorted, my husband. So that's definitely that's us scatterer versus compartmentalizer.

Speaker 1:

I have to say, if you're a scatterer, you very often will fall into the ADHD bracket, because people with ADHD need these visible reminders to be able to remember that they've got to do things. Or maybe you're the just-in-case keeper and your partner is the only-what-we-need declutterer, so you're holding on to things for future possibilities. What if we need this? And the other one is letting go of anything that isn't currently useful. Now, these differences aren't bad. They're not bad at all because it actually gives you two different perspectives on things. Things. But they require understanding and compromise and, most importantly, a shared system.

Speaker 1:

And another reason why it can cause conflict in relationships is the mental load of clutter, and it's very often one person in the relationship and I'm sorry, I'm going to have to call it out. It's very often one person in the relationship and I'm sorry, I'm going to have to call it out. It's typically the woman is carrying the mental load of tidying. So if one partner is always decluttering if it's you, you're always decluttering, while the other, unknowingly, is adding to the mess. It is going to cause frustration and burnout, or it could be your kids are adding to it. So the goal here is to find balance so that both of you feel respected and the workload is shared.

Speaker 1:

So I am now going to give you seven proven tips to navigate clutter conflicts, and I think you're going to find some of these gold. It's important to note that not every single one of these will work for you. You need to have a think about them and try them out and then take the ones that work for you from the seven, because you all have different personalities and different ways of doing things, so what works for one might not work for another. So my first tip is to understand each other's clutter style. I've just mentioned what the different clutter styles are. So, instead of judging your partner's habits, get curious. Ask them why do you keep certain things or what feels overwhelming for you about tidying? And you could use a KonMari method question Does this spark joy? So, if your partner's struggling to let go, focus on what they love instead of what to discard, and this will shift the conversation away from and this will shift the conversation away from why do you have so much stuff which sounds really accusatory to what truly matters to you? Get curious, try and understand from their perspective why they're hanging on to this stuff, and perhaps, when you can then help them verbalize what it is that they love, they will see that perhaps they don't love some stuff quite as much and they may be more ready to let it go. Then.

Speaker 1:

Another top tip, my second one, is to define shared versus personal spaces. Not everything has to be a battle. Try and create a compromise. So you've got your shared spaces your kitchen, your living room, your bedroom. Agree on a level of tidiness, of tidied up, of decluttered, of whatever it happens to be. Agree on that together. Find a middle ground that you're both happy with and agree to stay with that, and then you've got your personal spaces.

Speaker 1:

Now, maybe you're lucky and you have a closet to yourself, or you have an office to yourself in your home, or it could be drawers that are just for your stuff, and there, in these personal spaces, we need to allow freedom without micromanaging. So if you're the one that is trying to create order and declutter and be organized and tidy, but your partner isn't, allow them freedom in their space. Allow them to have a closet that's in chaos, as long as it doesn't affect your closet. If you've got a shared closet, that's a different matter. But if they've got drawers where they keep their things, fine, then let them have disorder and you worry about your space.

Speaker 1:

And I had one client of mine whose husband had kept every concert ticket stub from every concert he'd ever been to. So instead of forcing decluttering, what they decided to do was create a memory box just for him so he could keep his concert tickets in there, and it meant that they weren't getting sort of mixed in with everything else and causing clutter, and he felt that they were being valued. And what he then started to do because he loved the idea of them being in this memory box was he started to weed out those tickets that actually didn't have that much meaning. So someone else had bought him tickets to a concert and he'd gone along with them because he felt he had to, but he hadn't really loved the concert, that sort of thing. So things like that can really be helpful.

Speaker 1:

Shared spaces agree on a level of tidiness. Personal space allow freedom without micromanaging. Top tip. Number three agree on decluttering non-negotiables. Some things really matter to one of you Agree on those. First, do you need clear countertops in the kitchen? Do you want the bedroom to be a calming space? If you can make it very clear to your partner that this is something that for you, really is a non-negotiable because it stresses you out so much, and that you would love their help to maintain clear countertops or for the bedroom to be a calming space, then that is something that they will get on board with, hopefully, and they perhaps will be able to tell you something that really matters to them that you are perhaps going to try. Perhaps you don't realize that you not putting your toothbrush away every morning drives them crazy. So you could try to identify joyful essentials in shared spaces that you both love and agree that, yeah, we both love this picture, or we both love having the photos of the kids out on the side there, or we both love these cushions that we have on the sofa. Those are things that we want to keep and we want to make sure that we can see them and enjoy them.

Speaker 1:

And if you have a partner who hates throwing things away, if you have a partner who hates throwing things away, suggest tidying up a category with them. That perhaps feels easier. So, if they're really hanging on to sentimental stuff, perhaps suggest you go through old cables first, where they don't have any sentimental attachment, and get them to practice this idea of letting go. Tip number four you could use the one in, one out rule together. So to prevent clutter buildup, you could both commit to letting something go when bringing in something new. So, for example, if your partner or you bring home a new pair of shoes, an old pair needs to go out. Or if your partner buys a new gadget, an old or unused one should leave. And why this works is because no one feels deprived, because both of you are doing it, and it prevents clutter before it happens. Clutter appears when we end up just having too much stuff. So if, going forward, you agree to let something go before something comes in. It's going to prevent clutter before it happens, which is great.

Speaker 1:

Tip number five make it fun and low pressure. Clutter conflicts get stressful fast and I have seen this, so really try to lighten the mood. You could do really silly things, like suggest that you have a declutter date, so set a 15 minute timer and tidy or declutter a category together. You could have a glass of wine while you're doing it, if you drink alcohol, or agree that when you finish, you're going to sit on the sofa together and watch your favorite Netflix series, whatever it happens to be. You could have a 10 item challenge, where each person has to find 10 things of theirs that they're happy to donate. Or you could put some music on and do the decluttering Music that you both love and that perhaps will make it more enjoyable. Trying to make it fun rather than stressful is really, really going to help. I can't stress that enough. It really really is important.

Speaker 1:

Number six respect emotional attachments without enabling clutter. So instead of saying and I sort of mentioned this back at the beginning we're still saying you don't need this, that's your opinion that they don't need it. You actually don't have a right to say that. Ask what do you love most? You could suggest that if something sparks joy, to keep it, but it needs to have a home. It needs to have a place where it goes back to home. It needs to have a place where it goes back to and if it doesn't, say thank you to it for its service and let it go. You can have memory boxes for sentimental partners or for you, if you're sentimental, or take photos of old items before parting with them. Just be really careful to have a folder and store your sentimental photos in a folder. Otherwise, all you're doing is creating Top tip.

Speaker 1:

Number seven divide the work fairly. Clutter should not be one person's responsibility, and if you know hand on heart that you are the person that has created the clutter, then it's time to say to your partner I need help with this, I'm not managing this and I would really appreciate your support. Or if you know that they're the one that is really struggling with clutter, say to them I can see that you find this really difficult. How can I support you with this? I know that you would like to be able to let go of some of this stuff, so what can I do to support you and set clear roles. So who in your home perhaps handles the laundry? Who declutters the pantry? If you find some tasks are a bit heavy lifting so no one really wants to do them, rotate it so that it's not always the same person having to do it, so that it's not always the same person having to do it. So those are my seven top tips for you. I hope something in there has resonated with you. The first is to understand each other's clutter style. The second is to define shared versus personal spaces. The third is to agree on decluttering non-negotiables. Then you could use the one in one out rule together. Number five make it fun and low pressure. Number six respect emotional attachments without enabling more clutter. And finally, number seven divide the work fairly. Finally, number seven divide the work fairly. I'm not ever going to sit on this podcast and disrespect people's privacy, so I'm never going to be someone that mentions names.

Speaker 1:

But I have a couple of people in my membership where, when they started, they were super frustrated with their partners and their lack of involvement in taking any responsibility for clutter in the home, for organization in the home, and it was causing a bit of tension. And we have now got to the point where it's fun. Yes, you heard me right, it's fun. We actually had a message in our Facebook group this week that they'd had fun decluttering something in the kitchen together. It had been a joint project that had fun. This couple have also had joint projects with the garage. We actually had the situation before Christmas where the husband had actually been the one to say I think it's time we decluttered and organized the office.

Speaker 1:

This person in my membership is doing a happy dance. It has changed their relationship in amazing ways and she should be so, so proud of all the patient, patient work that she has put in to enabling her husband to see how he can be a support and how he can have a role in it, because it's really down to her and the way she's approached it. So it can be done. It can make a difference and it can make a huge, huge difference to your relationship if you and your partner have very different styles of decluttering and organizing or a different benchmark even of what tidy is. So I would encourage you to think about the fact that decluttering isn't just about stuff. Now, I know that sounds really crazy, but it isn't. It's about, in this instance, respecting each other's values and finding the joy together in decluttering and organizing.

Speaker 1:

I would love to know, if you try one of these tips this week, which one resonates with you most. It would be brilliant to know. And if you know that this is something you struggle with as a couple, then I highly recommend you grabbing my 15-minute declutter kickstart guide. The link is in the show notes and that will give you a really great starting point. So, if you found this helpful, come over and let me know on Instagram or send me a message via the show notes. There's a place where you can message me, but please, please, let me know your name and a way of contacting you, because otherwise I can't see who the message is from if you message me through the show notes, and that is then a real shame.

Speaker 1:

If you have loved this episode, if you think it's going to be helpful for you, then please subscribe and leave a review. It makes the world of difference to me and how this podcast is found by other people, and I'll leave you with that Until next time. If you've enjoyed this episode, please send the link to a friend you know would appreciate it, subscribe and leave a review. I look forward to bringing you more organizing tips next time, but if you can't wait until then, you can go to my website or find me on Instagram, at carothor, or on Facebook at Caroline Organizer. Thanks for listening and I look forward to guiding you on your journey to find your clutter-free ever after.