Living Clutter Free Forever - decluttering tips, professional organizing, minimalist living

Everything you need to know about organizing your home for the unpredictability of neurodiverse parenting #127

• Caroline Thor - Professional Organizer - KonMari® Consultant

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Ever felt like planning your day is like putting together a jigsaw puzzle—only for someone to take away half the pieces just as you’re almost done? Now imagine doing that every. single. day.

In this episode, I’m diving into the whirlwind reality of parenting neurodivergent kids with ADHD, autism, and PDA. The clutter, the chaos, the constant re-shuffling of plans—it’s not your typical morning rush. So, how do I handle it? How do I keep our home organized, tidy, and calm in the midst of the unpredictable? And, most importantly, how can you do the same?

🌱 The Secret? A Home System That Works With You, Not Against You.

➡️ I’ll show you how decluttering and organizing in a way that sticks can give you back some peace—even on days where leaving the house just isn’t happening. Learn how the KonMari Method, combined with flexible routines, helps me sidestep the overwhelm, stay grounded, and be present, even when everything seems to be coming unglued.

💡 Ever wondered if traditional planning could actually add to the stress? I’ll share why typical organizing tips fall short for families like mine—and how we’ve created a way of life that’s truly adaptable. It’s all about smart, sustainable changes that help everyone in the family find their footing.

Tune in if you want insights on making home life work with you, not against you—whether you’re managing autism, ADHD, or the typical daily chaos of family life. 

I would LOVE to hear from you. Text Message me here.

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Join my podcast Facebook group Living Clutter Free Forever Podcast: KonMari® Inspired Organizing | Facebook
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Speaker 1:

Hi there, I'm Caroline Thor, professional organiser, konmari consultant, teacher and mum of three. I started off my life as a mum feeling overwhelmed, disorganised and desperately trying to carve out some time for me amongst the nappies, chaos and clutter. One day, one small book called the Life-Changing Magic of Tidying changed everything and I began to learn strategies for making everyday life easier. Today, I have the systems in place that means life can throw almost anything at me, and I want to share them with you. If you're an overwhelmed mum struggling to keep it together, then this is the podcast for you. Grab a coffee and settle in for a quick chat with someone who gets your reality. Hello and welcome to this latest episode of the Living Clutter-Free Forever podcast. If you've never listened before, it's so great to have you here with me.

Speaker 1:

My name's Caroline and I'm a professional organiser and trained KonMari consultant, and for those people who have listened to my podcast before, you will know that I am mum to a couple of neurodivergent kids. So I have got one child who has an ADHD diagnosis and I have another child who has an autism PDA diagnosis, with ADHD and social anxiety, and I thought it was about time that I shared a little bit about what my life is like as a mum to these three amazing kids and how I cope with the challenges that living with neurodiverse kids throws up, because it does create an element of unpredictability, which I will explain a bit more, and it is sometimes really hard to know from day to day what's going to work, what isn't, and I thought it would be really interesting for you to hear how I have created a home environment that allows me to stay calm and centered and able to support my kids, regardless of what they're going through. Now, it's really important at this stage to say that, if you are parents to neurotypical kids, this episode is still going to be super relevant for you, because flexibility and adaptable routines are valuable skills for all families, especially during busy or stressful times like holidays or school transitions or changes to routine and we've got the holiday season coming up, so you may well hear something and go, yes, that could really work for our family too. So bear with me. Yes, I am talking about my experience as a mum to neurodivergent kids, but there will still be loads of nuggets of gold that will be totally relevant to you as well.

Speaker 1:

So what is the reality of living with neurodivergent children? So we're talking here, in my case, about ADHD and autism with a PDA profile, and why is it that traditional planning systems often don't work? So let's talk about something that all of you can identify with trying to leave the house in the morning, when you have a child who has neurodiversity, there could be various things that come up for them that they find really, really difficult. So, for example, transitioning from being in their bedroom to leaving the house and getting in the car can be super challenging. They can find it very triggering. They know that when they get out of the car at the other end they've got school facing them, and for one of my kids in particular, that is incredibly stressful. If we haven't got things ready the night before and we always do but just say we hadn't, we would have things being forgotten. We would have needing to go looking for things. That would become very stressful. For my child with an ADHD diagnosis, they would find this very, very difficult and first thing in the morning, their meds haven't yet completely kicked in. So it really is a case of needing to make sure that we are super prepared. The bag is packed the night before, there are no distractions in the hallway which could stop us from getting our shoes on, getting our coats on, getting out the door without forgetting anything. All of these things I need to have planned in advance so that it runs really smoothly, and my eldest, who has ADHD, goes out of the house on their own and will go and catch a bus and then a tram and get themselves to school. So it's a case of making sure that, from the moment they get up, things go according to plan, there's nothing that is going to throw them off schedule and that they can leave the house without starting to get stressed. If we manage that, it sets them up for a really great day.

Speaker 1:

So I learned when they were younger that there were repercussions to things being stressful. Before they left the house, it set them up in a discombobulated way I love that word discombobulated which meant that other things during the day were then not going to go smoothly because they'd already got off on the wrong foot, so to speak. When it comes to my child with a PDA diagnosis, I do not know from one morning to the next if they are going to manage to leave and go to school. So I am recording this. On a Thursday, monday, they didn't manage to leave the house and go to school. Tuesday they did, and yesterday and today they haven't.

Speaker 1:

So that has meant that we get up in the morning, we go through the usual morning ritual of waking up, of having breakfast, of having our meds and all this sort of stuff, and then we just need to see if the demand of going to school is just too much. This morning they thought they were going to make it and then at the last minute it became quite clear that this was not going to work and so we had to just shut down everything and go. Okay, that's fine, then you stay here today. But of course that means for me I have to be super flexible, because I don't know from one day to the next whether they're going to be in the house, whether I'm going to need to drive to school and then drive back and pick them up, whether I am going to have time for appointments for me in the morning. What I've actually now arranged is that I really don't make any appointments in the mornings, because I know it's very unpredictable and that I may have to cancel things at the last minute.

Speaker 1:

So things I used to do in the mornings, like hair appointments, for example, because I'm flexible with my hours because I'm self-employed. I've now moved all those to Saturdays, when my husband's going to be home and he can take over with child care and I can then be freed up to go. The same is true for me working with in-person clients. I've stopped doing any in-person clients during the week and I predominantly go to in-person clients on Saturdays and Sundays again when my husband is at home to be there for our child that needs him. So it has meant that I really can't plan anything and traditional planning systems just don't work, and I have realised that my home being conmaried and organised and us having meal plans and a place for the post to go and systems that mean that everything just jogs along quite nicely in the house, plus everyone knowing where everything is kept so that everyone can be self-sufficient and doesn't need me, means that I can stay calm and cope when it comes to leaving the house.

Speaker 1:

If my child says I can't go and then 10 minutes later suddenly says right, I can go. I'm not searching for stuff. I'm not thrown into a panic like, oh my goodness, where are their sports stuff? They've got sport this morning. It's already prepared. I just need to grab things. I never have to look for my car keys. I would love to say I never have to look for my phone, but that is the one thing that I'm really bad at putting down and never finding again, although first thing in the morning I'm very conscious of trying to make sure it always goes back in one place so that I can be present for my childari method in my life, and I was super, super disorganized, my stress levels would start to go up as we were leaving the house, and it rubs off on the kids.

Speaker 1:

They pick up on your stress. They start to feel something's wrong here. I need to be worried, I need to be stressed. Mummy is, and it just sort of permeates through everybody, and my calmness now means that my kids are able to stay calm too and I can be in control of everything for them.

Speaker 1:

Now, neurotypical children may not experience the same level of unpredictability that my kids do, but life with kids period can still throw curveballs. You might have sudden illness, you might have mood changes or, if you're working with teenagers at home, you've got hormone issues going on or suddenly unexpected school commitments or suddenly school's cancelled at the last minute. So the strategies I'm going to talk about today are going to be helpful whenever life doesn't go according to plan. So the same flexibility that helps in neurodivergent households can be useful when dealing with things like a cranky toddler, a missed nap or an unexpectedly busy weekend. So bear with me. The things I am going to share with you are going to be helpful to you whatever, but I thought it would be really useful for you just to hear how things can be for us in our home and how it can be for people who are living with neurodivergent kids. So my first bit of advice would be to completely let go of the need for perfect plans.

Speaker 1:

Learning to be flexible is key, but it can be really hard. It was not something that came naturally to me. I was brought up in a household where everything was run like clockwork. Everything happened at a certain time. We always left the house early, we were always the first to arrive anywhere, we were super prepared and therefore being flexible did not come naturally to me at all. Now, no plan is ever foolproof. All parents experience those moments where the best laid plans fall apart, whether it's due to sick days or snow days or an uncooperative child. But if you can learn to be flexible, it reduces the stress for everyone and, most importantly, it reduces the stress for you. So you need to embrace a mindset shift from rigid planning to adaptable routines. Now, that said, if you have a child who is neurodiverse, they are, in most instances, going to thrive better when there are set routines. So when those routines then get shifted due to unforeseen circumstances, due to unforeseen circumstances, you being able to be flexible and available to support them will mean it's easier for them to make that transition into something that they hadn't been expecting to happen. So it basically allows for smoother transitions, even in homes where you've got neurotypical kids. So let's think about how you can mentally prepare for plans going off track.

Speaker 1:

One idea that lots of people find really useful is to practice mindfulness. So, before a big day or before you're about to go into that transition of trying to get everyone to leave the house, take a few minutes to meditate or practice some deep breathing. This can really help to ground you and make you more resilient when unexpected changes occur. If things don't go as planned, just remind yourself to take a deep breath and refocus and try not to panic. Some people really like to develop mindset mantras. So, for example, adapt and overcome, or it's okay to pivot, and repeating this to yourself during moments of stress can help you shift your perspective from frustration to acceptance. I have had to do this on so many occasions. I've had to stand there going it's going to be okay, just breathe, it will work out. And if I just keep saying that to myself, it helps me just stay present and calm and it does make it a lot, lot easier to deal with the situation. Lot, lot easier to deal with the situation.

Speaker 1:

I find it really helpful to visualize potential changes. So, for example, if I plan to go out, then I'm mentally walking through the day and envisioning what might happen, what could go wrong. So, for example, traffic delays or a child refusing to leave the house, and I try to think, okay, if that happens, how am I going to respond to it? Because it will lessen the anxiety for me of the uncertainty were that to happen. And again, we've talked already about flexibility. Set expectations for flexibility. So, before you do an event or an activity or something's about to happen, communicate to everyone that this is what we're planning on happening and this is what the order that things are going to happen in. But flexibility is part of the fun. So, for example, you could say we've got a great day planned, but if we need to change things's, go with the flow and that will help everyone in the family mentally prepare for potential changes.

Speaker 1:

Now my kid with PDA, that is not going to work. It is never going to work for them. But there are things that I can say specifically to them that are going to help. Or, as we did on holiday this summer, we may decide it's not fair to put them in that position and one of us will stay at home with them while the other one of us goes out with the other kids, so that we sort of divide and conquer, so to speak. And that leads on to my next thing, which is developing a backup plan. We always have a plan b. We have to because we don't know what the outcome with one particular child is going to be. So this could also apply to you, for example, if you were planning a picnic but the weather turns bad. So knowing in advance that you can move the gathering indoors or have a fun family movie day instead, just knowing in advance what your backup plan is, so that you're not left standing there feeling stressed and unsure what you're going to do and embrace the unexpected. If you can try to cultivate a mindset that sees changes as an opportunity rather than setbacks, it will help you so much so, if a scheduled play date gets cancelled, consider it a chance to explore a new activity or a game with your child at home. Just always try to make the best of a situation.

Speaker 1:

Some people like to journal. This is personally not something I do, but I know I have a lot of friends who spend a few minutes each week journaling about moments when plans didn't go as expected and reflect on how they handled those moments and what they learned from that and over time. This is going to help you build up resilience and help you view unexpected changes a bit more positively. Communicate openly with your family, so talk to the kids about the importance of being flexible. I always find it really helpful to give examples of times when things haven't gone according to plan for me, but how, actually what did end up happening turned out really well, because this sets a precedent that helps them understand that, while plans are important, adaptability is also a valuable skill and it doesn't mean the end of the world if things don't go according to plan. Now saying that to your kids just as you're about to leave the door is probably not the best idea. I've always tried to drop these stories in just in everyday conversations, because it helps build up their understanding about adaptability and flexibility so that when these situations arise I can say do you remember that time I told you about that happening to me. This reminds me of that. What did I do then? Oh, do you remember? It turned out really well, so just go with that. I think it's really important.

Speaker 1:

Practice self-compassion, remind yourself. It's okay to feel disappointed when plans don't work out. I had to really embrace this this summer holiday. We went away for two weeks to Belgium and it was hard getting our PDA kid out of the door to even go, but I really thought. I really thought that when we got there they would embrace the situation and the change of environment would mean they would be able to do things that they couldn't do at home. How wrong I was. They did not step outside of the front door of our holiday home for the whole two weeks, which meant that they I, for the first week, was pretty much staying at home with them. I'm their safe nervous system, so they feel better when I'm there and my husband was going out with our other child, who was on the holiday with us, and I had to just keep saying to myself it's okay to feel disappointed, it's okay to feel like I might as well have stayed at home I've still not left the house, it's just a different house I've not left and focus on what you can control. So this is what I had to do. I had to focus on what I could control and for me that was the start of the day. While my kids were still still sleeping, I could get up and go for a walk and get my day off to a good start, and that gave me a positive mentality to get me through the rest of the day, which was sometimes quite challenging. And then by the second week, we'd reach the point where our child was feeling calm enough in that home that we could actually pop out to a local cafe for an hour and come home, and they were okay to be left on their own for that short time. So it wasn't like I was stuck in the house for two weeks without ever leaving, and therefore focusing on what I could control really helped me get through that situation.

Speaker 1:

So an example that you might face is like a trip to the zoo is cancelled. So focus on planning a fun, engaging day at home that incorporates similar themes Like could you watch a documentary or a film with the kids about animals? Could you then read some books together? Could you do some crafting on that? Animals Could you then read some books together? Could you do some crafting on that? Try to think about how you can focus on what you can control and make the best out of every situation. Okay, so let's move on to some practical strategies for when planning feels impossible Micro-planning.

Speaker 1:

Micro planning is amazing. If you can focus on small, manageable tasks rather than full schedules, it is going to be really helpful. So breaking the day down into chunks like after school or pre-bed time routines this can work really well for neurotypical kids as well, who might struggle with transitions like getting dressed or homework time. I always try to plan in buffer zones for myself. So planning downtime or transition periods, because it just helps me deal with situations better and reduces stress both for myself and for my kids. And this can be especially helpful for all families during busy weekends or school runs or family gatherings, when kids, neurodivergent or not, can get overstimulated. We've all been at those family gatherings where the kids have started bouncing off the walls because they've just had too much sugar and too much stimulation. It's all just too much for them. So if you can plan buffer zones in, it's going to help you support your kids better in those situations.

Speaker 1:

For those people with neurodiverse kids, having sensory kits and go-to activities are really going to help. So, prepared bags of sensory items or favorite activities on hand for when things start to go sideways you can try and pull them back, whether you've got neurodiverse kids or not, having a busy bag like with activities. But if you've got a long car ride or a doctor's appointment or a public outing, it's going to help with your child's restlessness not just for kids with sensory issues for the next time they fly and it's got age appropriate activities for each child in and little snacks in there so that when they're on the plane or at the airport she can give them their bag and they're used to what to expect in them and it's things that they don't normally see during the rest of the time. So it's really special for them to get this bag and it keeps them focused and keeps them occupied. Always have a backup plan. We talked about that before Plan A, plan B, plan C, for all outings, so that you don't get caught out.

Speaker 1:

I find having co-regulation techniques really helpful. So if I am starting to feel overwhelmed, so if I am starting to feel overwhelmed, I will just say to my kids I just need to just take a minute out, I'm starting to feel a bit wound up or this is going to stress me out. If I don't just take a minute and I need to just regulate my emotions, your kids will pick up on this and therefore you're mirroring for them what they can do to help them in those situations as well. Staying calm when plans fail is important for every single parent because kids mirror our emotional state. So modelling emotional regulation is going to help all kids manage their frustration and stress levels. And to end with, I would just like to say how important it is to ask for and to accept help. Building a support network, whether it's family, friends or professionals, is going to help you cope better with everything, and I think we are really bad at saying I'm not okay or this situation is really challenging for me and I need help, or if you have a friend who notices and offers help, they're not accepting it. So just be aware they say everyone needs a village, regardless of their child's neurotype. Reach out for help with child care, reach out for help with school runs, or ask someone if you can just have a chat with them. We all think we're the only one who's dealing with this situation, and when we actually start talking and sharing, very often it will come up that the person we're talking to has felt like this as well, and when we feel more supported, we are going to avoid dealing badly with situations when they come up.

Speaker 1:

So my messages for today, my key takeaways, are it's okay if plans don't work out. Flexibility and self-compassion are absolutely essential for you as parents of neurodivergent kids. But these strategies are not just for neurodivergent families. Every parent can benefit from more flexibility and less pressure to have perfect plans, and I would love to just say to you that connecting with other parents in similar situations can be key to you dealing with this. No one should have to do this alone, and if you have an opportunity to connect with somebody Facebook groups are great for this then I really would strongly recommend you reaching out and doing that. It really has helped me so much in the past. So my final reminder is that even in the chaos, it's totally fine not to have it all figured out. Just have a bit of a plan there, and plan B is always an amazing thing to have.

Speaker 1:

Now, if you're listening to this and thinking, yeah, being part of a community would be great, then I have a free Facebook group you could join. I would love to see you there. There are things shared each week about the podcast, but just generally about the KonMari method decluttering, organizing and I have a few bonus extras for people that are in my free Facebook group. So go to the link in the show notes and if you click on that, you will be able to join, and we would love to have you there. So until next time, if you've enjoyed this episode, please send the link to a friend you know would appreciate it, subscribe and leave a review. I look forward to bringing you more organizing tips next time, but if you can't wait until then, you can go to my website or find me on Instagram, at carothor, or on Facebook at Caroline Organiser. Thanks for listening and I look forward to guiding you on your journey to find your clutter-free ever after.