Living Clutter Free Forever - decluttering tips, professional organizing, minimalist living

Is clutter causing tension in your home? The impact of clutter on your relationships (and how to fix it) #115

August 13, 2024 • Caroline Thor - Professional Organizer - KonMari® Consultant

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Is your home causing you stress? Does the clutter around you ever spark tension in your relationships? 

You're not alone. 

Clutter doesn’t just fill your space—it fills your mind and can create overwhelm. It can strain your relationship with your partner, kids, and even yourself. When we’re surrounded by clutter, it’s easy to feel frustrated, irritable, and stressed. Sound familiar? 

But here's the good news: it doesn’t have to be this way. I’m Caroline, a KonMari consultant, professional organizer, and your host of the Living Clutter Free Forever podcast. In this episode, we’re diving deep into how clutter impacts relationships—and how you can fix it.

Imagine coming home to a space that welcomes you, where everything has its place. No more arguments over who left what where, or the constant struggle of trying to organize a chaotic space. Picture a home where everyone contributes, where organizing is a team effort, and where your environment supports, rather than hinders, your well-being.

Sounds like a dream? It's not. It’s achievable. And I’m here to show you how. In this episode, I share practical tips on decluttering and organizing that can transform your home and your relationships. We’ll talk about simple strategies you can implement today to bring harmony back to your space. 

Why continue to let clutter control your life and relationships? Join me as we explore how the KonMari method can help you create a clutter-free, stress-free home. A home where you can truly relax and enjoy quality time with your loved ones.

Tune in, and take the first step toward a more organized, peaceful life. You won’t want to miss this one!

I would LOVE to hear from you. Text Message me here.

Join my FREE workshop Family Clutter Reset 5 Tricks to Get Everyone Tidying (and Loving It!) HERE

Thanks for listening! For more organizational motivation, support and free resources:
Join my online membership Clutter Free Collective
Join my podcast Facebook group Living Clutter Free Forever Podcast: KonMari® Inspired Organizing | Facebook
Visit my website www.caroline-thor.com
Come and say 'hi' on Instagram @caro.thor
Follow me on Facebook @carolineorganizer

Speaker 1:

Hi, it's great to have you listening today. I'm Caroline. I am a KonMari consultant and professional organiser and the host of the Living Clutter Free Forever podcast. Thank you for making the time to listen. And today's topic is something that I hear all the time from clients and from members of my membership the impact of clutter on the relationship and clutter causing tension in the home. So today we're diving into how clutter can impact our relationships and what we can do to fix it, because it is possible to fix it.

Speaker 1:

It just sometimes seems like a pipe dream, but I want you to imagine coming home after a long day. You're excited to unwind with your partner, maybe once you've got the kids to bed, but you're met with a mountain of laundry, or maybe there's overflowing toy bins. There's nowhere to set your bag down. I've been there. The frustration sets in and what seems like it's going to be a completely harmless evening can turn completely tense. So I remember when I first started my decluttering journey, 10 years ago now. I can't believe it's been that long, but I used to feel incredibly resentful towards my husband. He was out at work. I was a stay-at-home mum at this point and I just felt like I was fighting fires all the time and I didn't feel like he saw any of the problems that I was seeing. He didn't seem to see the clutter. When he got home, he was so excited to see us. He was so excited to see the kids. He just wanted to get down on the floor and play with them because they were really little at the time and I felt like while he was coming home from work and having a nice time, my day just continued with the tidying up and trying to get everything organized so that once the kids were in bed, I could sit down on the sofa with him and watch some tv and just relax a bit. And it wasn't until I started addressing that with him the fact I was feeling so resentful that we were actually able to start making changes and for it to become more of a team effort and I feel really fortunate that we have reached a point now well, quite some years ago, luckily where it works really well. I don't feel any of the resentment anymore at all because he now sees what needs doing without me having to ask him, and that was the big shift for me Not feeling like I needed to ask him all the time to do the stuff that he would actually see for himself what needs doing.

Speaker 1:

And I think it's really important to understand the impact of clutter on relationships. There are emotional and psychological effects that clutter can bring. They cause feelings of overwhelm and stress and anxiety. And sometimes there's this thing which actually has a name it's referred to as clutter blindness where we get so used to clutter that we don't even realize that that is what is causing the impact in a certain situation, that it's making us feel stressed and making us feel overwhelmed. And this physical clutter can trigger stress by making us more irritable and less patient. And there are definite correlations. Research shows that living in a messy or cluttered environment can cause your cortisol levels to rise, and raised cortisol levels are going to lead to feelings of overwhelm and irritability. So that is not going to help in relationships if we're already feeling irritable, less patient. We all know that that is a recipe for disaster and it leads to these common scenarios where the clutter can end up causing arguments.

Speaker 1:

There can be disagreements about whose responsibility it is to clean up, like the kitchen in the evening, for example, or when items get lost. There's often a blame culture of well, you must have put it back somewhere different because I wouldn't have put it back there. I do that one all the time. No, I definitely didn't put it in that drawer, I wouldn't put it there. And then my husband will go and look and sure enough, he always finds it exactly where I say it absolutely couldn't be.

Speaker 1:

And this leads to arguments about who's responsible for tidying up or where things belong, or simply the huge frustration of not being able to find what you need when you need it. And when we have that and we're surrounded by clutter, it can make it difficult to relax and unwind at home. So a cluttered living room is going to be less inviting for you as a couple sitting on the sofa of an evening or for family movie nights and I know from talking to clients and having discussions with members of my membership it's very often something that we feel is a problem that only we have. But it is so, so common, and it is so common that tidying up and clutter causes real problems in relationships. It's very crucial to see that clutter is not just a physical issue, but it is also an emotional one, and being aware of that is the first step towards being able to make change. So I would encourage open communication with family members.

Speaker 1:

Try to start a conversation about clutter with your partner or with your family, and it's important to approach the topic without blame, but by focusing on how the clutter is making everyone feel. I think, as women especially, we are really bad at assuming that everyone else knows how we are feeling in a certain situation because we feel that we have said it or our body language has made it clear. But, having had discussions with my husband about this and having now worked with so many clients over the years, it is very often the case, especially between women and men, that women feel they've made it very, very clear and the man has not picked up on these cues at all. They need it to be said very, very clearly, and I have said in the past to my husband things like well, I did make a comment about the fact that the washing needed putting away and he would be like, yeah, but you did say the washing needed putting away. But you be like, yeah, but you did say the washing needed putting away, but you didn't specifically ask me to do it.

Speaker 1:

And it turns out that, unless I specifically ask him to do it, it doesn't seem to him like it's a job that he needs to be doing and I know that sounds totally crazy, but that's definitely how it was at the start for us. We have got to the point now where I can come home from a day at work with a client and the washing will have been sorted out and folded on our bed and he'll have got the kids to come and get their stuff and put it away. I don't need to specifically ask anymore. But right at the very start I did and what I was saying to him was I don't want to feel like I'm nagging you. I don't like having to specifically ask. It makes me feel like I'm your mum and that's not the sort of relationship I want us to have. But he was really clear that unless I specifically said something, he was not picking up on my vague cues that I was putting out there. I was strewing the concept that I would like help clearing up the kitchen or I would like him to be thinking about what we were going to eat this week, and he wasn't picking up on these cues at all and it wasn't until I changed to really open. I am struggling with this. I would really appreciate some help with this. Can you please do this job for me.

Speaker 1:

That thing started to shift and I think when we ask for help, people are always really happy to. I know in the past I have been a bit wary about going into my kids' rooms and saying could you come and help me empty the dishwasher? Or the dishwasher needs emptying. I've got another job to do. Could you come and do that now? Because I feel like, well, they're sitting listening to music or they're watching something on Netflix. I'm disturbing them. But the answer is always, yeah, sure, I will come in a minute and do that for you. And my eldest daughter has also now got to the point where she is doing stuff without being asked. I will come home and the dishwasher has been emptied or she's done the washing up that needed doing. That I didn't have time to do before I went out, but that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been specifically asking for help with things as they were growing up and making it really clear that it's not just my job, that there are times that I feel overwhelmed, and I would really appreciate the support Now.

Speaker 1:

For years now 10 years we have been using the KonMari method in our home and that has actually been really helpful for us as a family, because everything has got a place to go back to, and if we're not sure anymore about whether we still need an item, we can ask each other does this serve a purpose? Does it bring us joy? Does this serve a purpose, does it bring us joy? And we are all now really clear about those things that we need in our lives in order to support our ideal lifestyle. And acknowledging that there is difficulty in letting go of sentimental items has also been really helpful for us as a family. Really helpful for us as a family. So we've got into the habit of taking photos of things or creating memory boxes, and my kids are really good at decluttering stuff that they realise they are no longer using, and I know that a lot of kids really struggle with this. But if you start from when they are little with encouraging them to let go of stuff in a fun way, in a way where they see there is a benefit for other people, then as they get older, that is going to be something that they find easier to do.

Speaker 1:

I think there really is an additional challenge when it comes to sentimental items when you're decluttering as a couple, because a specific memento may have different sentimental attachments for each of you. You may have bought it while you were on a holiday together, like the first holiday you ever took together, and you are thinking, well, this was years ago now, we never have it out, we can let it go, whereas your partner may be thinking, well, this is a memory of the first holiday we ever have together. How can she be happy just to let that go? And that really can start to cause problems, which is where open communication and talking it through is going to really help, and finding a compromise Compromise is really the key here. Meeting each other on the middle ground, where both of you are happy with what is decided, even if it's not what you originally were hoping for in the first place, is going to be key to decluttering and organising, not having tension, and that's really good. And also, I would highly recommend setting aside regular decluttering sessions to prevent the clutter from accumulating again, so that you both feel like you're staying on top of it.

Speaker 1:

Now, one thing that I think is really important for families especially, is having a collective goal for the clutter-free home. So what is your shared vision as a family for your space? What are the things that each of you are wanting to have time to do, wanting to have space to do. Can you then create a home that aligns to that for everybody? Because this is going to take into account everyone's feelings, everyone's ideas, and that is going to reduce conflict. And a great way of creating a shared vision is to sit down together and to discuss for all of you what a clutter-free home looks like for each person. What does a clutter-free home look like? It is going to be different for each of you and to then come up with a plan of how you can create that space. That is a good compromise for everybody that everyone will be happy with.

Speaker 1:

If you can involve kids, especially by making it fun, you are on a great win, because if it's fun, then they are going to see the benefit and it's not going to be a chore and it actually is a great way of creating connection. I had a client last week where I had suggested to her that after dinner each evening she put on a song and for her kids age six and three that they help tidying up for the time that that song was on, and she emailed me to say that on day three the three-year-old had actually asked during dinner whether, after dinner, they could put the music on and do some tidying up. So making it fun means you're going to get people on board and you've got to find out what is fun for each person. It's going to be different and, depending on the ages of your kids, it's going to be really different as well. So that is going to really help you, though having a shared vision, because then everyone knows what it is they're trying to achieve. I highly recommend setting up organisational systems, because they are going to mean that you've got easy to follow steps for everyone in the home to help put stuff away, so you could label storage bins, make sure you've got a designated place for everything to go back to. It is just going to make it so, so much easier.

Speaker 1:

You can also assign specific responsibilities to each family member, and this could look like dividing tasks to prevent one person from feeling overwhelmed. You've really got to look at everyone's personalities. So I have one teenager with ADHD, and if the job for decluttering or organising or tidying up is too big, they start to feel overwhelmed and then they just want to stop. They just don't see any point in continuing. So take into account what each person's capabilities are, what their limits are, and try to make sure that you divide things up so that everyone can feel the success. That is really, really important, and if you implement a daily tidying up schedule, then you are going to have fewer arguments, because no one wants to spend their weekend teenagers especially do not want to spend their weekend helping you tidy up. They're probably quite happy to spend 10 minutes each evening just making sure that their stuff or anything they've used has gone back to where it should be, and that is going to then cause fewer arguments and, most importantly, it's going to create more family time for you.

Speaker 1:

It makes me so sad when families spend their precious family time at the weekend just tidying up the house, because you could have done it in little chunks each day, getting everyone involved, so that it means that the weekend is much, much freer. Maybe then the weekend you have some time spent where everyone's cleaning, but you don't need to do the tidying bit, and this is also gonna help reduce tension, because nobody wants to be told we've now got a massive tidying up to do. That is gonna create tension. So try to work out how, as a family, it works best for you. And as kids get older it does get harder because everyone has got such different schedules. When my kids were little, it used to be very much after dinner this is what we're going to do or before dinner this is what we're going to do and we would all do it together and it was fun and it was a connecting time. It's rare now that all my kids are there in the evening someone's out at handball practice or someone's out at orchestra rehearsal. There's always somebody missing. Very often two of my kids out of three are missing, so we can't do it all at one time together, but I do do a gentle reminder each day for each of them.

Speaker 1:

Have you gone around and made sure that your stuff is tidied up? And it has got to the point now where I don't really have to ask anymore. There just isn't stuff left lying around by them, because they've got so much into the habit of, after they've used something, putting it back into the right place, and that helps maintain a tidy environment. I actually walked into our living room yesterday and I just stood there and smiled to myself because it was totally tidy. Please don't ever think our house is perfect. I said tidy, I didn't say clean, but it looked really, really tidy because no one had left anything lying around for the whole day and they had actually all been in the house all day. So that is helping prevent the clutter from coming back again.

Speaker 1:

And it's really important, as I just said, that we are flexible, that we're willing to adjust the system, especially if we find it's not working. There is nothing worse than saying, right, we're going to do 10 minutes of tidying up every day and everyone's hating it, but you still make them keep doing it for months. That only is going to lead to more resentment building up, which is not going to be great for relationships, which is not going to be great for relationships. So if things are not working, try them for a bit and then ask everyone what about this is not working for you and adjust the system and try something different, and eventually you as a family will find the thing that works best for you at that time. But also be open to the fact that things will need to change because as people get older or something might happen, like someone might have an accident and not be able to take part in the tidying up for a few weeks because they've got to sit on the sofa with their leg up. Whatever it happens to be, you've got to be flexible and be open to changing things. Flexible and be open to changing things, and I think regular family meetings to discuss what's working and what's not are a great way forward. That certainly helped us.

Speaker 1:

So I think a lot of you thought, tuning into this episode, especially from the title the Impact of Clutter on your Relationships and how to Fix it that I was just going to be talking about the married couple scenario, but it also can have a huge impact on your relationship with your kids as well, and I think it's really important to understand that. Clutter can often lead to arguments for who's responsible for tidying up, and if we can find strategies, such as the ones I've just mentioned, for how we can avoid that, then it is going to mean that life is so so much calmer and you are going to feel much less overwhelmed because you will have the support of everyone that you live with. I would like to acknowledge that it is sometimes really hard to have those initial conversations with somebody to say I am feeling overwhelmed or I am feeling very much like I am just tidying up all the time, and it's important to say it in a way that doesn't throw blame at everyone else, because that will immediately get their backs up and get them on the defensive, and when we can say this is how I'm feeling and I would appreciate some help because I don't feel like I'm managing this very well, then people are much more likely to jump in and try to change their own behaviours in order to support you. So I hope you found this helpful. It's something that I could coach on and talk about until the cows come home, because it really is one of the biggest problems I see in a lot of the people I work with.

Speaker 1:

But there is hope. I have amazing members in my membership who, since the membership started in December, have been specifically working on this problem of feeling like it's just them doing all the tidying up, and we have now got husbands who are asking what can I do while you're out at work today to support with the housekeeping? Is there something needs doing with the laundry? They're setting up joint projects such as cleaning up the garage together.

Speaker 1:

It's just amazing to see the shift in relationships kids getting involved in the daily tidying, family members getting involved in packing to go on holiday. It is just incredible, so there is hope you can make these changes. Being in a community like my online membership clutter free collective does really help because you have, then, ongoing daily support and you're surrounded by other people who also have the same issues that you do. So I will drop a link in the show notes if you are interested in finding out more about clutter free collective, and we would love to see you there and support you with any problems that you're having in your relationship due to decluttering and organizing and tidying up. So thank you for listening today and until next time.