Living Clutter Free Forever - decluttering tips, professional organizing, minimalist living
Is It Time To Declutter Your Relationships? How To Set Better Boundaries For Your Mental Health with Dr Karin Calde #087
Jan 30, 2024
Caroline
Here's a sneak peek of this episode featuring the incredible Dr. Karin Calde. She's a former clinical psychologist and current relationship coach with a unique IFS-informed perspective, and she's diving into the art of setting boundaries within personal relationships. Get ready for some wisdom on balancing firmness and flexibility, addressing common fears that often hold us back from safeguarding our well-being.
We'll be navigating the delicate dance of maintaining household order and discussing the special considerations when setting boundaries with those we live with. Plus, don't miss out on an exclusive workshop within the Clutter Free Collective membership with Karin on February 12th 2024, where we'll be mastering the art of setting and asserting boundaries. It's going to be an enriching educational experience that promises to equip you with the tools and confidence to fortify your personal space. š”
Feel free to share this exciting journey with friends who might appreciate a newfound sense of clarity and control. And of course, join me as we continue to share organizing insights and build a supportive community.
On a personal note, I'll be sharing the unexpected delights of my dry January adventureāimproved sleep and a sharpened mind. And let's celebrate the Clutter Free Collective members who've tackled their cluttered corners, proving the power of camaraderie in overcoming organizational hurdles.
Here's a sneak peek of this episode featuring the incredible Dr. Karin Calde. She's a former clinical psychologist and current relationship coach with a unique IFS-informed perspective, and she's diving into the art of setting boundaries within personal relationships. Get ready for some wisdom on balancing firmness and flexibility, addressing common fears that often hold us back from safeguarding our well-being.
We'll be navigating the delicate dance of maintaining household order and discussing the special considerations when setting boundaries with those we live with. Plus, don't miss out on an exclusive workshop within the Clutter Free Collective membership with Karin on February 12th 2024, where we'll be mastering the art of setting and asserting boundaries. It's going to be an enriching educational experience that promises to equip you with the tools and confidence to fortify your personal space. š”
Feel free to share this exciting journey with friends who might appreciate a newfound sense of clarity and control. And of course, join me as we continue to share organizing insights and build a supportive community.
On a personal note, I'll be sharing the unexpected delights of my dry January adventureāimproved sleep and a sharpened mind. And let's celebrate the Clutter Free Collective members who've tackled their cluttered corners, proving the power of camaraderie in overcoming organizational hurdles.
Hi there, I'm Caroline Thor, professional organizer, konmari consultant, teacher and mum of three. I started off my life as a mum feeling overwhelmed, disorganized and desperately trying to carve out some time for me amongst the nappies, chaos and clutter. One day, one small book called the Life-Changing Magic of Tidying changed everything and I began to learn strategies for making everyday life easier. Today I have the systems in place that means life can throw almost anything at me, and I want to share them with you. If you're an overwhelmed mum struggling to keep it together, then this is the podcast for you. Grab a coffee and settle in for a quick chat with someone who gets your reality.
Speaker 1:
Hello and welcome back to episode 87 of the Living Clutterfree For ever podcast. I can't believe we're at 87 already. I think when I get to episode 100, I'm going to be jumping up and down on the spot and doing a happy dance. That will be a very momentous day and, let's be honest, we're not too far off now. So today I'm going to be talking to a guest, karen Calde, but first of all I wanted to fill you in on my progress following on from the episode that came out on the 2nd of January where I was talking to Casey Maguire Davidson, the sobriety coach, and I pledged during that episode that I would do dry January. Now, for those of you that haven't listened to that episode, dry January is when you decide not to drink any alcohol for the whole of January, just to give it a break and see how you get on with it and see if it makes any difference in your life. Now I wasn't, as I said in that previous episode, someone that drank an awful lot. In the first place. I was never drinking during the week, unless it was a special occasion, and just a few glasses at the weekend. But I have stuck to it. Throughout the whole of January, not a sip of alcohol has passed my lips, and that is despite it having been my birthday in January as well. So I'm really proud of myself for having done it, and I have to admit I haven't found it particularly hard, and I think the reason I haven't found it particularly hard is because I have noticed an improvement in my quality of sleep. I've noticed an improvement in my clarity during the day. So perhaps at the weekend if I'd had a couple of drinks on a Friday or a Saturday evening, I might have not ever been hungover, but I have felt clearer in my head on the next day, which has really surprised me, considering I wasn't drinking very much in the first place.
Speaker 1:
So I thought I would just update you, because I often hear on podcasts the hosts saying I'm doing this, that and the other, and then you never hear any progress on it. So I wanted to fill you in on that because I'm quite excited about it. So I've decided to continue into February. My husband always gives up alcohol for Lent, which starts 13th, 14th of February I think this year and I didn't really see the point in going back to having a drink just for 13 days only to stop again because I always join him with it. So I've decided to keep going. So it'll be Easter at the latest before I have another drink, and I will keep you posted on how that journey is going. So that's all very exciting.
Speaker 1:
What else did I want to tell you about today? Oh, yes, blown away by my members in clutter-free collective. We had a project going in January, a challenge where they had to identify one area of their home that really frustrates and irritates them and spend January working on it With my support, with me, setting little challenges to keep them going, giving them training on how it doesn't have to all be done at once. You can break it down into small, manageable chunks, et cetera, et cetera, and for some people they may have known that January they didn't have much time, so they perhaps chose a drawer that was annoying them to sort, whereas other people have chosen whole rooms and broken it down into the Konmari categories and work their way through it. It has been absolutely phenomenal.
Speaker 1:
So congratulations to all my ladies in clutter-free collective. You should be really proud of yourselves. I'm so amazed at the progress they have made, and what I love, actually even more than that, is how supportive they're all being of each other within the community. They are cheering each other on, they're offering advice, they're celebrating the wins, and it's just been the most amazing and inspiring way to start 2024. So thank you. Thank you, ladies. You are all amazing and I can't wait to see what you all achieve in February. If you would like to join us and become part of this amazing community, you can do at any point, but up until the end of February it is still the founding member's price of 22 euros or $24 a month, and after the end of February the price is going to be going up forever, so don't miss out. Join us now. I will put a link in the show notes, but it's caroline-thornecom forward. Slash clutter and you can find all the information there.
Speaker 1:
So, moving on to today's episode, today I am talking to Karen Caldy. Karen is a former clinical psychologist and an IFS-informed coach, and she is passionate about helping people create more high-quality connections in their life, and I knew that she was the right person to talk to about the topic of boundaries and setting boundaries with people in our lives. So I will leave you to listen to this chat that we had. I think we actually recorded it before Christmas and I'm really excited. You will hear in the conversation that Karen's actually going to be coming and doing a special bonus workshop training for the members of Clutterfree Collective in February. You'll find out more about that later in this episode, but enjoy this conversation. Hello, karen, welcome. Thank you for joining me today.
Speaker 2:
Thank you, Caroline, for having me. It's really nice to be here with you.
Speaker 1:
Now, I gave a little bit of an introduction about you before, but perhaps could you introduce yourself and let everyone know about where you're from and what your background is.
Speaker 2:
Sure, so you can probably hear in my voice. I'm from the USA, on the West Coast in Oregon, and I am a former psychologist and I'm currently working as a relationship and self-development coach. So I work with a lot of couples who are really trying to figure out how to create a better life for themselves and feel more love, understand where their conflict is coming from and how that can actually bring them together. I've been loving working with individuals lately also to help them figure out their relationship patterns, how they can bring more love into their lives. I've just started helping people with dating, so both men and women I'm open to working with. So, yeah, I'm just having fun with all things.
Speaker 1:
Relationships I love this niche because you're supporting people in finding love in their lives. I mean, it doesn't get much better than that really does it when it all works out and there's a happy ending.
Speaker 2:
And I think that love is what makes the world go round. So it's definitely what gets me up in the morning, and I love my work.
Speaker 1:
You and I are both the same in that respect, and one of the reasons I connected with you in the first place is because something keeps coming up in my online course, and when I heard what you do, I was like this is the woman that can help here.
Speaker 1:
And if everyone in my course is having problems with this, I'm sure that a lot of people listening to this podcast are. So the issue that a lot of people have is they have a level of tidiness or a level of expectation or a standard of organization that they would like to have in their home, but perhaps there are other family members that they live with whether that's a partner or the children who have a completely different idea of how things should be, and it causes conflict, because there is then this frustration from the person trying to get things organized that everyone else is on board, and it comes down to boundaries, and I thought there's no better person than you to perhaps explain to us a little bit what a boundary is and why we need them and why people struggle with them and all this sort of stuff. So could we start with you explaining to us what is a boundary?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and it's a really important, even though it seems so simple. But it's an important question because a lot of people have this idea that boundaries are these walls or a way to punish people or this being mean, and that's not at all what the good, compassionate boundaries are about. So a boundary is a way to take care of your inner experience and to help to protect the integrity of your relationships, because if you're always saying yes to things automatically and you don't really mean it, then you're setting yourself up for getting stretched too thin and even leaving that relationship because you just can't do it anymore or you might feel resentful or you might explode. So having these boundaries in place are a way to say this is how we can stay in a good, loving relationship.
Speaker 1:
Okay. So that's why we then need a boundary, so that we can sort of show somebody this is what I'm prepared to put up with, or this is my limit on this particular thing. Can boundaries sort of move? Are we expecting that? We need to find a middle point.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and it really depends on the relationship, and it is important to be somewhat flexible in your boundaries, because we all have these different needs and needs shift and we want to make sure that we're not being too rigid with our boundaries, so having a conversation, but there can be a point where you say I just can't do this anymore. This is my boundary, and if you can't do this, then this is going to be what I'm going to need to do in order to take care of myself.
Speaker 1:
Okay, right, that makes total sense. So let's take a really simple example, and it's one I hear all the time. So we have one member of the family who feels really strongly that things need to be a bit tidier and a bit more organised, and for them that would mean the lid going back on the toothpaste and the toothpaste going back in the jar where it's meant to be kept by the sink. And someone else in the family always leaves the toothpaste lying on the sink without the lid on it. How can we talk to someone in that sort of situation? Just to give us an example of what a boundary would be in that instance.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and everyone's going to be a little bit different, but I think it's really important to have a conversation around this first, to understand where the other person might be coming from. So that might be an initial conversation, so it could be. Hey, I'm noticing that this toothpaste gets left out and it makes me feel icky and kind of stressed inside when that's left out. But I want to understand where you're coming from and understand why that might be happening, so that you're not making these assumptions where they're just being a slob or they're just being lazy, because that's usually not what it is. It can actually have something to do with executive functioning skills, where they're just not organised or they're just not really paying full attention. So there can be some really good reasons for that. But communicating what your inner experience is and how this affects you, that's a really important first step.
Speaker 1:
So that sounds quite straightforward and quite an easy sentence to say to somebody. So why do people struggle so much with setting boundaries?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and I want to back up just a little bit because in that instance I wasn't really talking about boundaries there because I think you do need to have that conversation so you can connect. First you know whether it's just, but if it's about your toothpaste or your bathroom, then you might say well, this is something that is leaving me really frustrated at the end of the day, and then it makes it harder for me to connect with you. So if you can't clean up after yourself or put this cap on the toothpaste, then I'm going to need you to brush your teeth in another bathroom because that's just not working for me. So that could be an example of that boundary.
Speaker 1:
I'm going to need you to clarify that. That's important. Okay, good. So why are people struggling with setting boundaries, even if it's with their kids sometimes?
Speaker 2:
Right, yeah, and with kids it can be a little trickier because there's the developmental stages, and what might be appropriate for a boundary for an adult might not be appropriate for a younger child. You know there are a few different reasons. One is that a lot of people don't know how, and so they might go about it in a way that does come off really harsh or they just kind of explode Again. They just don't really know how, they don't have the tools. So that's one of the big reasons. Also, they're afraid that they are going to sound mean or they are risking that relationship somehow. So there's oftentimes this fear, a fear of disconnection, a fear of being seen as the bad guy. So that's oftentimes what comes up for people.
Speaker 1:
I think one thing I've really struggled with in my relationship with my husband in the past we've worked it out now, but it was me feeling like by setting boundaries or by asking for things to be done differently, I was feeling like I was nagging him like his mother and I didn't want to turn into my mother-in-law much as I love my mother-in-law. I just sort of felt a bit like I'd taken on this mother role by reminding all the time rather than it being an equal relationship. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2:
Oh, absolutely, and it's such a common dynamic that happens, and having those heart-to-heart conversations can go a long way. But also, if you are not going to stop at the store on your way home from work and pick up the things that I've asked you to repeatedly, then I'm just going to make dinner for myself and you'll have to I like that you can make dinner for your own self, because I can't keep waiting and depending, because that's causing me again too much stress or overwhelm. I've had a long day and this is the way I'm going to need to take care of my own needs. It's not about punishing. It's about taking care of myself when I'm hungry at the end of the day and I need to eat.
Speaker 1:
And I think this is the important point here that it is a sort of type of self-care setting a boundary. But it's also important. I think, if my understanding is correct, in order for relationships to be able to grow, that each person needs to learn what the other person's boundaries are and be respectful of that in order for it to be a loving relationship. Is that correct?
Speaker 2:
Absolutely yeah. When you communicate your boundary, you're saying this is how to love me, because this is what I need in order to feel good. So, again, it's not about punishing, it's about protecting that inner experience for you so that you can connect with everybody.
Speaker 1:
Okay, so what are some different types of boundaries?
Speaker 2:
There are two ways to answer this question. One of the things that I think is important to distinguish is porous and rigid boundaries, and then healthy boundaries would be in between. So a porous boundary is basically one that you don't enforce, one that you maybe make this request that they text you if they're going to be late so that you know if you should put the kids to bed or wait up for them to come home, or whatever it is. But if you say that, I would really like it if you did that, but then there's no consequence or you don't follow up. A lot of times we have to repeat boundaries and restate that consequence in order for that person to really understand them. If someone is repeatedly not respecting our boundaries, then they might be a porous boundary. Now, on the other end of the spectrum is a rigid boundary, which is stating a boundary where there's no flexibility and it feels more punishing and it's really to keep people out rather than to allow them in. So we can talk about boundaries in that way.
Speaker 2:
The other way is, I think, about categories of boundaries. So when you're thinking about a boundary, one might come up in your head. It might be about keeping things clean in the house. But it also might be your physical boundaries, like how close can people get and you still feel comfortable? Are you comfortable hugging people you don't know very well? Or is a handshake more in line with your personal boundaries Time? There might be people who ask a lot of you in a volunteer organization or your kid's school or whatever it is, and they're always asking for more of your time, and that's a boundary that you can set with people. I can devote an hour a week to this project and then I need to make sure that I have time for myself, for my other obligations.
Speaker 2:
So there can be those types of boundaries. There can be intellectual boundaries, where people push their ideas on you. That can be a way of violating a person's boundaries when they don't respect your ideas about things. Emotional boundaries would be when you have that friend that keeps calling you up late at night and crying about their latest lost love, and it's this constant need that they have and it's been too much that you'd love to be there for them. But there's got to be a limit so that you can also get some sleep and not feel overwhelmed by their emotions. So those are just some different categories of emotions. Sexual boundaries too. I don't want to do that thing. Those are really important as well.
Speaker 1:
Okay. So as I'm listening to those, it's just shouting self-care at me, like we talked about at the beginning, because all of those things are protecting your well-being at the end of the day, because when you have those boundaries, you're not going to be overbooked in your calendar, you're not going to feel put upon, you're not going to feel used by people, and you're then making decisions about how your life runs by setting these boundaries.
Speaker 2:
Right, exactly. Yeah, they help you feel safe and not overwhelmed, so you don't feel resentful and your relationships are angry. Yeah, so that you can be living your best life.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and it's very interesting because there are a lot of parallels with the Kormari method in that respect, because the crux of the Kormari method is that you start by visualizing your ideal lifestyle not your ideal home, your ideal lifestyle and then we work to create a home that supports that ideal lifestyle. So boundaries are a massive part of that, because it's not just organization of your home, it's organization of your time. What's your calendar going to look like? What are your relationships going to look like? Even what are your friendships going to look like? And I know that there are a lot of people that go through the Konmari method and, although we're dealing with their physical belongings by going through, it makes them very aware that other things in their lives, like certain friendships or relationships, are actually not serving them and don't support their ideal lifestyle, and perhaps those are things that need to be let go as well. So maybe if boundaries had been set earlier in those instances, that point wouldn't have been reached. So I find that really interesting.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, that's so true that when we have these resentments that build up, when people keep on pushing and pushing and they might not know where our boundaries are, so if we don't speak up about them, especially early on, then we're likely to have some conflict.
Speaker 1:
Yeah. So I have an exciting announcement to make, which is that you have agreed which I'm so, so excited about to come and do a one-off special workshop for my membership Clutterfree Collective and I actually told them about it this week and they were super excited because a lot of them had been on my course and they know exactly what I'm talking about, that they need support with boundaries and I think there's going to be so much value. So would you like to tell us what you're going to be looking at in this workshop with us?
Speaker 2:
Absolutely so. I'm really excited about this, too, because I'd love to have that live contact with people to be able to help them with their relationships, and specifically about boundaries and how they can create more ease when they set boundaries, and so that's what we're going to be talking about. What are the boundaries that they need to set in order to have that ideal relationship with their partner or their kids or their friends or coworkers, whomever it might be? So really looking at what might be getting in their way, so working through some of that, and then also how to communicate those boundaries so that they're heard, they're clear, they're concise and they're taken seriously. So really helping people to figure out how to do that. We're really talking about the hows here.
Speaker 1:
I think that is going to be absolutely gold for people to learn how to communicate those boundaries, because I think that is where a lot of people are stumbling. They know somewhere deep down inside them that they need to be saying something, but because they don't know how to say it, they're not. So I think that's going to be huge for people.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and we'll talk a little bit about how you know you need a boundary, so we'll be getting into that, but then, yes, having a framework for how you actually communicate that and then working through those blocks that might be getting in your way so that you can take care of your relationships in this way.
Speaker 1:
I'm so excited. It's going to be brilliant. So people who are in Clutter Free Collective are very lucky. As part of their membership, as a bonus that month, they're going to be having this workshop with you. If people aren't in Clutter Free Collective, how can they find out about you If they've listened today and thought I need more wisdom from this woman?
Speaker 2:
Oh, thank you. So I am on Instagram. I'm the Love and Connection Coach. I also have a website, I'm drcaldycom. That's D-R-C-A-L-D-Ecom, and those are probably the best ways to connect with me at this point. Oh, and I also have a podcast too.
Speaker 1:
Oh, yes, tell us about that, tell, tell, tell.
Speaker 2:
I'm sure it's called Love, Is Us Exploring Relationships and how we Connect. So it's on all the podcast platforms and it's everything relationships.
Speaker 1:
And actually you have a really great episode on boundaries. So if people have found this useful and really we've just touched the tip of the iceberg in this little short episode today then people could go and listen to that episode and get even more value from there, because that was packed with tips as well. Yeah, absolutely Fantastic. So all the links for how people can find you I will put in the show notes and I can't wait to see you in Clutter Free Collective. So thank you for your time today, karen.
Speaker 2:
Oh, thank you, Caroline. I really enjoyed it and I look forward to our next time together.
Speaker 1:
Well, I don't know about you, but I found that conversation so insightful and informative. I'm just going to quote Karen on something she said Right near the beginning. She said that a boundary is not about punishing. She said communicate your boundary. You're saying this is how to love me, because this is what I need in order to feel good, which makes you realise just how important it is that we are able to set boundaries with the people in our lives.
Speaker 1:
If you have found this episode really helpful, then I would love to invite you to come and join us in Clutterfree Collective, even if it's just for a month, so that you can have the free training in February with Karen on boundaries that she's going to be doing with the membership.
Speaker 1:
So the links for everything Karen has talked about today on her side are in the show notes, and again, the link for joining Clutterfree Collective so you can get to join Karen live for a workshop on boundaries is also in the show notes. We would love to see you there and have you as part of our community, and you will be able to ask Karen any questions you have at that workshop as well, so that you can get the support you need if you're having a specific problem in your life with someone and boundaries. So we hope to see you there and, as I always say, until next time. If you've enjoyed this episode, please send the link to a friend you know would appreciate it, subscribe and leave a review. I look forward to bringing you more organising tips next time, but if you can't wait until then, you can go to my website or find me on Instagram, at carothor, or on Facebook at Caroline organiser. Thanks for listening and I look forward to guiding you on your journey to find your clutter-free ever after.